Update on life, again.

Fear not.

Amazing phrase. God has been teaching me quite a bit since I last posted. The good thing is that I think I can put it into words now. Or at least attempt to. At the end of this post, I'm going to repost an older poem of mine. "Older". I wrote it last semester, but honestly didn't know how much it would actually mirror experiences currently going on in my life. The main thing God has been showing me is that life is beautiful, even if that means that the only thing that is beautiful is the Promise of Christ. And yes, I realize I'm repeating myself a bit. It's taken several weeks of God showing this to me through several friends/mentors over and over to finally sink in. Life is beautiful. I think that might be what Tolkien was illustrating with the Elves in LOTR. The idea that here is this race which are immortal. In effect, there are no innocent Elves. Yet, they are still joyful and can laugh truly. I didn't realize it at first till I re-read it, and I realized that that is how we, as Christians, should be. We are not innocent, but we need to be joyful in life. Carpe Diem. Yes, life has bad things in it. Life can completely suck at times. Yet, in the midst of all that, God still blesses us...if we allow Him the chance to, and to show us that life is beautiful.

What is amazing is that if we allow God to show us that, we enter into a period of Rest. That time of peace beyond understanding because it doesn't matter what is going on in the world and your life--God is good, and life is beautiful.

Look up. Love is in the stars.

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up."

Claustrophobia

Her fingers slip as she falls back into
The casket.
Her eyes well with tears,
Feeling the darkness surrounding her.
She knows the mask is slipping down
Again.

"No," the girl whispers, struggling to get out
But failing.
The tears roll down her cheeks
Her hands pressing up against the lid
But could not stop it from closing.

The girl pressed wearily,
Her eyes filled with despair
As little by little, the light
Gets shut out.

"Help me," she begs, unsure to who
The cry was directed at.
Suddenly two hands grasped the lid,
And yanked it open,
The light streaming in
And blinding her eyes.

The girl looked up, her eyes widening
In surprise, wincing.
A hand reached down, waiting.
"Grab it," he ordered gently,
His eyes searching hers.

The girl began to look away
But her eyes snapped back to his
When he said, "Don't look away!"

She looked at him in surprise.
"Don't hide from me," he urged her,
Reaching down, his fingers brushing hers,
"I can't pull you out if you don't
Want to get out."
His eyes locked on hers, pleading with her.

The girl crouched there,
Struggling inside,
Wondering if it was safer to
Come out or stay safe within
The mask and casket.

"Don't hide. Let me in,"
He begged, his eyes full of pain
—pain for her—
"It's not worth it,
Living behind a mask,
Without Trust or Love."

His eyes filled with tears for her,
His face saddened,
"You can't live without
Love."

The girl closed her eyes,
Knowing he was right
She took a deep breath
And grasped his hand
In a vice-like grip.

Suddenly the girl was out of
The casket, collapsing into his arms.
She began sobbing,
The feeling of pain and weariness
Lifting off her shoulders.

The Man enveloped her in his arms,
His hand gently stroking her hair.
"You can't live without Love."
He whispered softly,
"It's a slow death, if you try.
Don't try.
Love is a beautiful
And marvelous Gift.
Do not let anyone take that away."

It's a rather...interesting point in my life right now. Some things have caused me to become rather...sober and more subdued than i usually am. I've had friends describe as my eyes are missing their "sparkle" from last semester, and it's very true. There's a reason for that. I'm not as happy as i was last semester, mainly because i always have the weight of my brother in the back of my mind, praying for him constantly. That adds a seriousness to my life...and i've been trying to figure out how to balance and live with that. I've talked to several friends (and mentors) about it. All of them have said, in one form or another, "It's ok to be a bit more serious and sober. It's a part of life." Then one of them pointed out that i need to keep my feet grounded in the Rock, to believe Christ's promise, and to remember life is beautiful. Easier said than done, but I'm going to do so.

That was the inspiration for this new poem, actually. that idea at least, which wasn't fully formulated in my mind but there. I hope you enjoy it, and i hope it helps bring a light to what i've barely touched in the first part of this blog. The title is from Dead Poet's Society when Keating is telling the boys to make their lives extraordinary. I hope you enjoy.

Quiet Desperation

Eyes that once
Sparkled easily,
Now cannot seem
To shed the
Constant sheen
Of tears.

A smile, once quick
And laughing,
Now slower to come
And has the weight
Of sorrow
Always on its outskirts.

A step, once carefree
And full of dance,
Now reflects a
Weariness unnatural.

A life, once alive
And vibrant,
Now contains a
Quiet desperation
To truly live.

And then one of my favourite quotes of all time that i need to keep in mind a bit more than i actually do.

During this dark night of the soul, we may have a sense of dryness, aloneness, even lostness. Any overdependence on the emotional life is stripped away. The notion, often heard today, that such experiences should be avoided and that we always should live in peace and comfort, joy and celebration only betrays the fact that much contemporary experience is surface slush. The dark night is one of the ways God brings us into a hush, a stillness so that He may work an inner transformation upon the soul.

Go with God, and go under the Mercy.