Sleepless Nights

I went to bed at 5 this morning, and didn't fall asleep till 6:15. I was up by 7. I have work till 5 tonight, and class till 9pm. So that's a 14-15 hour day, on 45 minutes of sleep. Me on no sleep can be one of two things. Either, I'll be extremely entertaining and make no sense, or I'll be in a horrid mood all day...it's up in the air at the moment.

My dreams are coming back...and they're not bad dreams, just dreams about life and past things. Problem being, it makes for extremely restless sleep. I don't want to be dreaming about reality. I want reality to stay where it's supposed to be, and dreams...well...to be normal, weird, like they're supposed to be.

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you just did one thing differently? Said yes instead of no. Went one way instead of the other. It's a bit of a crazy thing to think on. I can picture several ways my life could have gone...I am very glad and joyful it went the way it did.

I've been changing my views on hope as well as other things I'm not going to go into. I don't believe hope is that happy feeling that everything will work out in the end. I think it's stubbornness and despair, to be honest. That you will keep going, no matter what, trudging on and on, hoping that one day, dawn will come. But until then, you march, trudge, along in the dark, fighting off all manner of evils, given no rest, hoping a deep stubborn hope that light will come again. You hope, even though deep down, you don't think it will. Why do you continue on then? Because, dawn will come. And you'd rather die fighting and waiting for it, than just lay down and admit defeat, and die there.

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up."
~Anne Lamott~

I have decided that I shall write a book, someday, on my life. Or perhaps that is too arrogant? I don't know. I want to write out my story eventually and hopefully use it to help others. We shall see how that works out. I also want to open up a bookstore/coffeeshop/bakery. Perhaps all shall work out....