Wedding Promise

"With this ring,
I give you my promise that from this day forward,
you shall not walk alone.
May my heart be your shelter
And my arms be your home.
May God (Spirit) bless you always.
May we talk together through all things.
May you feel deeply loved, for indeed you are.
I give you my heart.
I have no greater gift to give.
I promise I shall always do my best.
I feel so honored to call you my husband
I feel so pleased to call you mine.
May we feel this joy forever.
I thank God (Spirit).
I thank you and I love you."

Leg: 0 Chair's Metal Leg: 1

so...yah. i had a very physical reminder to relax and calm down and let God handle things.

i'm getting married on Saturday...and last night was trying to get loads done for the wedding. Like printing the programs, cleaning my apartment, thinking about doing laundry, etc. All the things I need to get done but shouldn't try to do all at once. Aaron kept telling me to sit down and relax, that I shouldn't be stressing (I know, Ashley, I know). Well, apparently God thought so too...because as I was standing to walk to our entertainment center, my foot slipped in the carpet and my shin came down hard onto the metal leg of a chair we had folded down...

I thought I was ok initially, just sat there breathing. And then tried to stand. Nope. I yelped very loudly and fell back down. Aaron then checked it and it was all scraped up and starting to swell. He promptly picked me up, set me down on the recliner, got ice, and ordered me to stay there and not move. I spent a good few minutes crying from pain, from feeling foolish, and for thinking "How am I supposed to walk down the stairs at our wedding?"

Now...most of you probably don't know that I absolutely hate sitting and doing nothing. It drives me crazy...I think partially cause I like doing things and partially because I don't like getting taken care of. (Actually, those of you who were at the Torrientation Retreat last year would know that) I know it's silly of me, but I don't.

I spent the rest of the night on the recliner with ice on my leg, having to watch Aaron finish printing the programs. And realize that I should be relaxing and calm...not freaking out.

So, I got a very physical reminder to just stay calm and let God handle things. Now before people start asking, I woke up this morning a bit stiff and sore, but much better. There's hardly any swelling, and I can walk on it. Albeit with a limp, but I can walk on it. So i'm confident it will be much better by the time Saturday arrives.

Word of warning: Metal chair legs will beat you up. Not the other way around.

Ion

so, i finished this play a while ago. it's called Ion and was very interesting. This quote was particularly thought-provoking.

"Let any man whose life is pursued by misfortune reverence the gods and take courage. For in the end good men receive the reward they deserve; but evil natures beget evil fortune; and to them happiness can never come."
-Ion-

A Ranger, written for Aaron

A Ranger

He walks with

A determined

Stride,

His eyes cautious.

His clothes are

Worn

From being

Out in the

Wild.

People watch him

Pass

With suspicious

Glances,

Wondering who

He is.

A Ranger, he is,

Used to fighting

On his own

And in the calm

Of the Wild.

If you asked him

Why

He does what

He does,

Why he chooses

To stay distant

From people

And in

Shadows,

Why he'd rather

Fight where

No credit's given

Him,

Or recognition,

Why he's so

Willing to protect

People more apt

To dismiss,

To scorn,

And to mock

Him,

If you were to ask…

He'd give you an

Incredulous look,

And answer because

It's what he's

Been

Called

To do.

He is to protect

The helpless,

And the ones

Forgotten,

Who have no

Help

And no one to

Care.

It is his duty

To fight

For those who

Can't,

To make sure

Wounded

Can heal

And innocents

Can grow.

It is my life

To haunt the

Shadows

And the dark,

To live on

The outskirts,

That they might not

Haunt you.

It is my duty

To keep you

Safe,

That you won't know

Why I'm here,

Or what I did.

It is my calling.

If he passes you

By,

One day,

And a ghost of a

Smile

Appears as he sees

You laughing

Carefree…

That is why.

A Ranger has

Many names,

And is called

Many things…

But do not

Forget,

At the moments

You feel

Most safe,

Who's guarding

The place

No one else

Will…

And keeping

Shadows

At bay.

"Why mournest thou, good madonna?
"Fool! For my brother's death."
"I think his soul is in hell, madonna."
"I know his soul is in heaven, Fool!"
"All the more fool, good madonna, for mourning you brother's soul being in heaven!"
~Twelfth Night~

Descent Into Hell

The most perfect, since the most intimate and intelligent, art was pure love. The approach by love was the approach to fact; to love anything but fact was not love.
Love was even more mathematical than poetry; it was pure mathematics of the Spirit. It was applied also and active; it was the means as it was the end.
The end lived everlastingly in the means; the means eternally in the end.

I had been re-reading Descent Into Hell by Charles Williams and came across this quote. (Good book, by the way. Everyone should read it.) I re-read the quote several times, and realized how much that idea has affected my life. And how much it has affected me, especially now. I then began musing on why it affected me, and what exactly it meant.

"To love anything but fact was not love"

I at first couldn't understand what he was talking about. Why would you need to love fact in order to love? Then it hit me: if you aren't loving facts, you aren't loving reality...and if you're not loving reality, then you're not really loving because you are just enjoying what you want to be enjoying. You won't accept reality, and thus make up a fake reality in order to live. Thus anything you 'love' in that fake reality isn't actually love. In order to really love, you have to love something real.

An easy example of this is loving someone for who they are...not who you think they are or who you want to them to be. This happens in the book with the character of Wentworth, who "falls in love" with a girl who doesn't return his affection. He ends up creating a "false Adela" and it destroys him, because he loses sight of facts and gives up on life. He folds so completely into himself that he loses his soul.

True love is loving the person for who they are, not who you want them to be (erasing the parts you don't like, adding parts that you think would be better).

"Love was even more mathematical than poetry; it was pure mathematics of the Spirit. It was applied also and active; it was the means as it was the end.
The end lived everlastingly in the means; the means eternally in the end."

This was also hard to try to figure out...and I'm sure I haven't come close to it. However, a few thoughts initially...
It seems that Williams is saying the closer you come to loving facts and accepting facts, the closer it will bring you to God. I asked myself how this would work...and found the answer in the last couple phrases: "The end lived everlastingly in the means; the means eternally in the end".

The closer you draw to facts, the closer you come to Love. In fact, Williams is arguing you can't truly love if you don't accept facts. It made me consider what's the greatest fact you could accept...and then if you accept that, you will eternally draw near to Love...and Love will draw you nearer.

Those are my musing thoughts of the last week.

Song.

I heard this song a few days ago. It's beautiful.

Here're the lyrics.

Trouble is her only friend, and he's back again,
Makes her body older, than it really is,
She says its high time she went away,
No ones got much to say in this town,
Trouble is the only way is down, down, down,

As strong as you are, tender you know
I'm watching you breathing for the last time
A song for your heart
But when it is quiet
I Know what it means, and
I'll carry you home, I'll carry you home

If she had wings she would fly away
And another day, god will give her some
Trouble is the only way is down, down, down

As strong as you are, tender you know
I'm watching you breathing for the last time
A song for your heart
But when it is quiet
I Know what it means, and
I'll carry you home, I'll carry you home

And they’re all so pretty in New York City tonight
And someone’s little girl was taken from the world tonight
Under the stars and stripes

As strong as you are, tender you know
I'm watching you breathing for the last time
A song for your heart
But when it is quiet
I Know what it means,
I'll carry you home, I'll carry you home

As strong as you are, tender you know
I'm watching you breathing for the last time
A song for your heart
But when it is quiet
I Know what it means,
I'll carry you home, I'll carry you home

I'll carry you home

Lady In The Water

I finally watched "Lady In the Water". I had heard iffy reports about it (some saying they loved it, others hating it, others saying it was the worst movie M.Night had made, etc). So...on Sunday, I hadn't been feeling well and decided I wanted to watch it. I ended up loving it. I can understand why people who normally like his movies, wouldn't like this one. It was a totally different feel of a movie.

One of the things I really enjoyed about it (and I personally think the message he may have been trying to get across) is the idea that we are not the only ones in this world. 'We' being humans. It's an interesting thing to realize that most humans truly believe that we're probably the only living things out there, and that the rest of the universe is all dead/lifeless/uninhabitable. Seems a bit prideful...kinda like when we thought that the earth was the center of the universe...while I'm not saying that there are other worlds out there, I am pointing out that M.Night might be trying to get that message across. In other words, we're just a tiny speck in a HUGE universe...and there might be worlds out there we've never dreamed of. (You might be able to argue that's what he's trying to get across with Signs as well....maybe)

It's an interesting idea. One I have done a lot of thinking about, mainly because I am interested in myths etc. It really does seem prideful to believe there's no one else out there (in a sense)...and that we are the only living things. With all the dimensions, and God creating such a vast universe, it doesn't make sense.

All that to say, go watch Lady In the Water. It's a very good movie. And not all that scary either.

Missions Trip

So...i haven't updated in a little bit, but decided i wanted to write about the mission trip i went on. it started on Wed night after church service (about nine). Unfortunately, i wasn't able to get there till after work, about ten-ish. it was rather fun though, because i was able to talk with the girls. they all asked me how Aaron proposed to me, when the wedding is, and how we met, etc. it was rather adorable. oh...and i got a ton of "You look just like Drew Barrrymore!! She's sooo pretty!!" it made me laugh. i'd say we finally all got to sleep around eleven or so. i slept horrible that night because i was on the wonderful hard floor of the youthroom.

Thursday morning, we were all up by six-thirty, and eating breakfast. it's rather entertaining seeing jr/highschoolers that early in the morning. some of them were really *really* happy and awake....others were very very out of it. and we had one leader who....is very much a morning person. she greeted us with bright and cheery songs. it was rather fun. we had a debriefing of what we were going to do that day, which consisted of yard work for the neighborhoods. i had to work my regular shift that day, which meant twelve hours of waitressing. whee!

i came back that night late for the rest of the trip. friday morning went much the same way as thursday morning. waking up early, eating breakfast, assigning cars, and then driving down to San Juan Capistrano. we did a ton of yard work for a home for abused women. it was an amazing experience. they needed so much work done, and we really blessed them above and beyond than what they were expecting. it was interesting for me because i tweaked my right wrist (pinched something) and it wouldn't stop shaking, so i ended up wrapping/splinting it. it became a hard lesson for me, in that i had to let myself rest and not work as hard as i wanted. everyone was really kind and amazing about it, making sure i had jobs i could do, but not hurt my wrist. then we drove down to In N Out, got dinner. I got a brace for my wrist, and then we headed to the border. hehe...we got lost a couple of times, it was rather entertaining. friday night, we did a late-night taco run. it was so much fun! we then crashed that night, ready for some work in the morning.

On Saturday, we all hit breakfast around seven and heard our jobs for the day. I got put with the paint-mixing crew, which was a lot of fun. matching mystery colours into pretty ones for houses etc. it took us most of the morning until lunch. we had sandwiches and then got assigned new jobs before we went into town around three or so. before we went into town, we all had a couple hours of rest where a lot of us took showers etc. what was rather fun was the guys all picking on each other in the room, because us girls were sitting out in the foyer area and could just hear yells etc. it was fun. then Aaron grabbed one of the extra mattresses and tackled them with a mattress. after all of that, we went into town and shopped around the park area. an outdoor market full of senoras and senors, selling trinkets, etc. i had fun talking with them, and buying stuff. i got a really cute red dress, a bracelet, and a hair thing. after that, we drove back from the border. it was all in all, a great weekend. though we were all very worn out.

i think the most God taught me over that time was to rely on others, and not try to work myself so hard that i would be worn out. it was an interesting lesson to learn that i've been taught before, usually in ministry stuff. i think it's the mary vs martha lesson. i had a lot of time to think, pray, and just meditate on God, relationships, and all that. it was over all, a very good experience.

An Easter Poem

Forgiveness

“Simon son of John, do you love Me?”
My Master’s voice was soft
And loving.

“Yes, Lord,” I replied,
“You know I do.”

“Tend My lambs.”

My mind strayed back several days,
And my heart broke.
I took a deep breath,
Calming my thoughts.

We walked a little more,
He and I—
I remembered when He called me—
Called me—to be one of His own.

“Simon, son of John,”
He turned to me,
“Do you love Me?”

“Yes Lord,” I said again,
“You know that I do.”

“Shepherd My sheep.”

I was surprised
But not.
He had said He would
Build His church on me.
Me, a simple fisherman.

My Master turned His deep eyes
On me, “Simon, son of John,
Do you love me?”

I stopped—three times.
He asked me three times
If I loved Him.
My heart clenched
And I felt tears filling my eyes.

I had betrayed my Master,
My Saviour—the Christ.
I had betrayed Him
Three times.

My heart broke and the tears flowed.
Brokenly, my voice barely above a whisper,
I answered, “Lord, You know I do.”

I turned away, shame filling me.
How could He still love me?
After all I did, after swearing not to…
How could He still love me?

His hand grasped my shoulder,
And I met His eyes—
Oh those love-filled eyes—
“Tend My sheep.” He told me,
His voice full of love and forgiveness.

I straightened, a weight lifted from my shoulders.
He forgave me—me, a sinful man.
I betrayed Him and yet…
He forgave me.

He smiled that well-known smile
And we walked along the beach,
My step firmer, my heart lighter.
He had forgiven me!

Perelandra, Part One

So...I've been reading Lewis' Perelandra, and I've decided to do a series (ish) of blogs on interesting/relevant quotations from it...putting it in my own words, thoughts, and explaining why I think they are relevant etc. I'm not sure if this will be interesting to anyone, but it will be helpful and fun for me to do. Although, they will be scattered a bit....I won't be doing them all in a row or something. I'll be doing it from various quotations as I see fit. So...without further ado.

One joy was expected and another is given...you could refuse the real good; you could make the real fruit taste insipid by thinking of the other" (page 69).

This is what Tolkien called "the sin of the Elves". It is holding onto something too long, specifically, holding onto something good that is old and something you are used to, and resisting against change.

It is an idea of resisting something good that God might have for you because you are holding onto the old good that God had given you or blessed you with. A common term used in churches is 'taking out of the comfort zone'.

An interesting question....is the thing that is good still good if you hold onto it for so long that God can no longer use you? If you refuse to accept a new good from God because you still long and hold onto the old good, is it still a good? Or is it being selfish?


It is an odd one...to how strongly people hate change....specifically when one has been used to it for a long amount of time. (And I'll admit, I'm the same way.) Except when one clings so hard to the things that God has already given you, you miss out on the new blessings and goods that God wants to give you.

Well...that's all I have time for...the next few blogs will be a lot longer than this one. Most likely.

UTM

Trust

Well... God has been teaching me alot about trust lately. It's been a really good experience. I can't really describe how much I've grown since the beginning of the year. But it definitely has all been good if a bit hard at times. God has taught me that ultimately, all that matters is Him. Not what people say or think. I know that seems like an old lesson, but it's one I keep having to get reminded of. It's interesting...I'm sure that it's one most people have. I seem to keep having it though.

I've learned that trust is more than just saying "Oh, of course I trust You. You're God." It's actually having to throw yourself into His arms, and trust He'll catch you, no matter what. Personally, it feels more like looking off the side of a cliff and believing that He'll catch you...and then fling yourself off into oblivion, knowing He'll catch you.

It's an interesting thing, going through life, fully trusting in God to take care of you. It gives one a bit of....lightness, I guess, to life. You tend to not worry as much about little things (and big things)...You know you're taken care of.

Chocolate

Well...I've been reading over some old stories I wrote. This was one of my favorites. If I'm allowed to have a favorite, that is. ;)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember a voyage when I was very young, to a town that changed my life. It was when we stopped in the town where Vianne lived. My Pony fell in love with her, but I am jumping ahead of myself. I woke up with a stomach-ache and wanted a soda-water.

“Well, we will just have to fix that, won’t we?” Roux—that was his name but I called him my Pony—said with a chuckle, winking at my mum.

“But Roux,” Mum whispered in worry, “the Townspeople hate us…our kind.”

“Not all,” Roux reassured her. He took my hand and strode off, “Besides, all we want is a little soda-water.”

We wandered about the town, finally finding a small café. We strode in, my hand gripping his a bit tighter. There were a few people there, but not many. Not a busy time of day, I suppose now.

“Sorry, we’re closed,” the man sitting at the counter said with a glance of disgust in our direction.

I could feel my Pony’s anger rising by the way he stiffened. Young as I was, I knew it was because of the way we lived.

“She just wants a soda-water,” he told the man, his hand tightening around mine reassuringly.

The man leered at us and snarled, “I don’t serve animals.”

If I had not been there, I believe Roux would have killed that man. As it were, he gently said, “Right.” He turned and walked out, shooting a hard look at the man.

I puzzled over the man’s words before asking softly, “Are we animals? Is that why everyone hates us the way they do?”

Roux stopped and turned to me, his eyes glittering with emotion. I cannot recall a time where his eyes seemed so alive and so sad at the same instant. He knelt, looking me in the eyes, and grasped my shoulders. “No,” he said firmly, “We are not animals. People who say that are just afraid, afraid of those who live and talk in a different way. Do not let anyone look down on you because you live on the River.”

Roux straightened, taking my hand, and continued walking. Every now and then, he would stop to read a paper posted in various shops’ windows, his face growing darker by the minute. Suddenly, we saw Vianne—the woman who visited the boats earlier—standing in a doorway.

“Hello, I just made a fresh batch of monduon. Anybody interested?” she smiled welcomingly.

I could not help speaking, being so young and my stomach-ache worse since our interaction at the café. “My tummy hurts,” I said shyly, sorrowfully.

Vianne looked at me with gentleness, “I’ve got just the thing for that. Come in.”

Roux offered a dry smirk. “What about boycotting immorality, then?” he said with a soft challenge in his eyes.

“Come in,” Vianne repeated, shrugging.

Soon I was sitting on a stool, eating a leaf. “An old remedy,” Vianne had said, “from the cocoa tree.” Sure enough, it helped.

“Tastes strange,” I mumbled, still crunching on it.

Vianne chuckled, glancing at Roux, “Mm…maybe your daddy would like a taste.”

I looked up at her with a bit of surprise before informing her, “He’s not my daddy. He’s my pony.” Vianne raised an eyebrow to Roux who merely smiled.

Then her daughter, Anouk, offered me something far more tasty—chocolate. She took me up to her room to meet Pantoufle, her kangaroo. We came again a few times, Roux and I. He always found something to be doing for Vianne while I had fun playing with Anouk and her kangaroo.

I learned two very important things that day. People get afraid of the unknown and do not know how to deal with it, thus letting it govern how they act. The second thing is that there are always people who do not let fear govern them. Oh, and to not let others’ fears govern yourself. I suppose that is three things. You do not mind, do you? I thought you did not.