Do-Over

So....you know those days where you just  know everything is going to go perfectly and it's going to be a great day?

...yah, I'm not having one of those.

It started last night. Hubby had to work overtime, which, on the one hand, yay! More money! That's great and awesome! On the other hand, we didn't get home till almost 10pm. Which meant anything I had "planned" on doing last night didn't end up happening, because by the time we got home, I was too exhausted to actually stay up to do anything.

Though Hubby and I, and then just Hubby (after I had to go to bed), spent about an hour+ figuring out budget/disability/maternity leave etc. Good thing is: After his hard work, we have our budget down and it looks like we're going to be totally fine! Yay! That's a huge stress relief. And it looks like, if all my disability+planned family leave goes through, I can take a full 12 weeks off, paid partly by the state! Huzzah!

Then I went to go pass out and slept rather horribly. Just kept having nightmares and strange dreams, waking up off and on. So by the time my alarm went off, I didn't really hear it. Thankfully, I have a 2nd alarm set for just that kind of thing, so we were able to get up and out and to work on time. In the process, I spilled juice all over myself. Twice.


All before 8am. 


Do-Over on today please.

Been a while....

So....been a while since I've blogged. Just haven't had the time or energy, to be honest. Been a long stretch getting to Spring Break. And I only have 2 classes, which seems kinda pathetic that I'm so worn out from it, but add in working 9 hours a day, being married, and getting to class...it's tiring.

Been realizing something for a while now...9 months and Hubby graduates. Then we don't know where we'll be. We might stay here for a little while, or move, depending on what he gets for a job. Been married for about 7 months now (wow!!), and the way the time's been flying has made me realize how quickly years go by. So...9 months is going to fly by, and before we know it, things are all changed again. Plus best friends are all getting married this summer, and I don't know where they'll end up after being married...it's hard being an adult. I get so worn out and sad though, cause I know my friends who are still in school aren't thinking in those terms really (no blame there, if you have a year or two left, you're not really thinking in terms of where you or your friends will be in a semester), but....it's been hitting me really hard. 9 months or so (maybe a year), and everything will be changed. We might still be in this area, in all probability, we'll be moved at least 2 hours away, if not more. It's made me make it an effort to hang out with friends. It sounds silly but the semester is almost over (6 weeks counting finals and Spring Break?) , then it's the summer where everyone goes home (probably), and next thing you know, it's the last semester, and God only knows what we'll be doing after that.

It's a funny double-perspective that happens. Because on the one hand, it makes you hold on tight to your friends and spend time with them, and on the other hand, it makes you annoyed and frustrated dealing with "little" problems that aren't going to matter in the "real" world. Like homework, tests, whether you should go do this or that, if going to Commons will screw up your homework schedule, etc... I'm patient (usually!) with stuff like this, but it's sometimes frustrating cause it's like, "Ok....but that's not going to matter in a year when you're graduated! It's a wonderful balance to practice. I think I've been doing it ok....hopefully. I'm trying at least.

I've been having some bad days....especially last night. It was just a bad day. I couldn't stop thinking about stuff, and couldn't get images out of my head. And I was just frustrated because I was wishing/wanting/begging for someone I could talk to who would understand what I was going through...Aaron's amazing at listening and holding and comforting...but there are some things he only understands through proxy (right term I think?) because he's a guy. I know it's a long shot...but I've been aching for someone who I can talk to, who's been through it, who understands, to talk with. Cry with, pray with....and I don't...it's just so hard. There are many women I know I can talk with and ask for pray from, but...it's different. Things like schedules, being 3000 miles away, etc. I don't know...I just pray God helps somehow.

Speaking of God...my walk's going...I don't know the right term. Better? I guess that's right one. Heh. I'm not...feeling as close to God as I hope to be one day, but...I'm at peace, and He's been showing me His love in many ways. I've been praying more, and reading more. 2 Corinthians is an amazing book (thanks Matt for the tip!), and...I don't know. I guess I'm just at that point where I want to get closer to God and I want to trust Him, even though I don't know how...I'm trusting He'll teach me in that. I've also...I've realized how much He's been there for me, even when I thought He wasn't. It's been an interesting journey so far, but I know I'm doing better because when I've been so depressed and in dark places, I've begun praying/crying again. It's a start.

Lots of writing ideas going on in my head at the moment....not going to do much about them until I get my laptop thing in the summer. Aaron and I have decided to do our "big" purchases in the summer when we're both working FT and am making a decent amount of money. Hopefully save some as well, we've been trying but we hardly make enough to start saving, unfortunately. We've been doing our best, though. So hopefully over the summer we can get those big things we need. I've begun doing a little bit of the rearranging I'm hoping to do. It's slow going with work and school, but I'm hoping to Thursday night at least move the boxes into the other bedroom and that big table we have that I'm going to use as a craft's table. Then move my writing desk out into the living room, so I have my own space to work on stuff while Aaron's working on his projects too. We'll see how that all goes.

Now I should get back to work. Folding fliers, stuffing them into envelopes, labeling and stamping envelopes. Whee! Heh. Best thing is I get paid to do it. What a life. Hehe.

Weariness

Yesterday was a bad day. And not for any particular reason. I can't point exactly and say, "Yep. That's when my day started going downhill." It was just bad. Little things bugged, big things bugged, everything was just awful, really. Now, there were several things that made the day hugely better (lunch, etc). And on top of work, I had to go to a 3hr class that I hadn't gotten the coursepacket for yet, so I had nothing to take notes with. Now, the prof let us out an hour early (yay!), and Aaron took me for ice-cream afterwards, but...I don't know. The overall tone for the day was just bad, awful, wearying.

To top it all off, I've been sleeping restlessly at night, because I don't want to sleep deeply, cause then I'll dream, but if I don't sleep, I get so worn out, I fall asleep. It's like a horrible cycle that never stops and never fixes itself. And the problem isn't that they are nightmares. That is the problem: they aren't. They're "just dreams"...of stuff I don't know what to do with. There's nothing I can do about it, and I don't know what...how I'm supposed to react, be feeling, or dealing. I just don't know.

I'm also struggling with my faith in God right now. Not that I'll leave the faith or something...I just don't know how to reconcile my faith with what I know. How could a loving God allow stuff like that to happen? Is it our place to question? Even Job questioned, but then he stayed faithful and trusted God. Is that the answer? There's a certain point when you just have to trust that God is in control? Faith and Reason go together, but how? Right and wrong, principles, laws...freedom. That age-old question, right? Why does God let bad things happen? How do you trust God in the midst of hell? How do you trust when you're out but others aren't? What do you do when everything is screaming in all directions?

What...

...I don't know anymore...