New Layout

As you may have noticed, my blog layout changed again. Blogger is having fun doing some new templates and such that I liked. So there we are. Hopefully I won't be too ADD about it.

Ta!

There are days and there are days...

There are days where I feel like I'm on top of the world, I have a handle on things, life is good and while some things are hard, all's well with the world (or rather, my world).

Then there are days where I feel like I'm scrambling at shadows and ghosts and scraps of string getting flung about in the wind to try to keep my life together. Like I was standing in the middle of this cliff and it suddenly all fell out from under me, and I'm scrambling to stay up. Afloat (though not sure that works with a cliff falling....but I suppose it could.)

Today was an odd mixture of both. This morning, I felt like I was barely keeping a grasp on things, that I was just too tired and worn out and stretched and not emotionally strong enough to deal with all I needed to deal and help with. I was despairing that I could do what I needed. That I wasn't strong enough, I wasn't mature enough, you name it, it probably went through my head.

...Then Hubby and I went out to lunch to Olive Garden (you know how cheap it is when you split something? We spent less there than we would have eating at Chipotle!). And the entire way there, we talked and talked and talked. Through lunch we talked as we ate good filling food. We opened up to each other about things we needed to. We talked the entire way back.

And you know what? It made me realize just how far we've both come. How good our relationship is doing. And how well and strong our marriage truly is. We have good days and bad days. We have hard periods one or both of us go through (but what marriage doesn't?), yet...there's hope and strength in knowing you're not going it alone. That you have someone there who can hold you up when you need it. It gives Hubby and I a confidence in our marriage knowing that the other is there, supporting and striving with us to make our marriage stronger. That we are both willing to grow in it, with each other.

There's a freedom in that. A freedom and a strength that cannot be matched.

Trust dreams. Trust your heart, and trust your story

It's been feeling like one of those weeks...and unfortunately, there's not much I can point at and go, "See! That's why." cause it's not that simple (things rarely are). It's just been frustrating and tiring already, and it's only Wednesday. Fantastic. (Note: if you do not hear the sarcasm in my tone, try again. That's not a good 'fantastic', that's a bad 'fantastic'.)

I have been trying--feeling frustrated with!--to figure out my plans for school. There's some really great programs I found, but I need to finish out some big PreReqs first (and get my grades up), which is rather hard to do when you're only doing 6 units at a time. I'm seriously considering transferring to a CC to finish things up. The sad one is I would be leaving my friends--though most are graduating this semester anyway, so I guess not all that sad--and the place I've done school at for a long while. Though perhaps it's time to move on. I've made some dear friends there (and met my hubby there...that's important!), and some dear bittersweet memories. Perhaps it's time for that chapter of my life to be closing. We shall find out. It's looking more and more like that. Though I do hope I can figure out a way to stay to finish out my Foreign Language requirement...

*****

Well, I didn't get this done before Hubby and I ran off for lunch. We met up with a friend for lunch, which was nice. She was kind enough to not mind us dropping in for 45 minutes to say hi, heat up our sketti, and hang out. She's getting married in the next several weeks, and then moving away. We're really really excited for her and her future hubby (both amazing people and totally deserve each other!) but we're really feeling the sting of going to miss both of them so very much once they're settled several hours away. It's hard having changes, and even in a broader sense, it's hard knowing that most of our friends are graduating this semester and then scattering off into the world. Changes are hard, and knowing friends you're so used to seeing on a daily/weekly basis (where you can just stop by for a quick visit unannounced) will be far enough away that you'll have to plan the trips. Even just because they'll be working and busy. That's how life is, I suppose. It's hard adjusting to, though. I'm used to it and not at the same time. I miss spontaneous trips and visits with friends. But on the other hand, I know how hard and busy life is for people, that once you get to working FT and "grownup responsibilities", it's incredibly hard to just go stop by someone's house. There's a good chance they won't be there. Heh. Such is life. It definitely makes you appreciate the friends you have, and the hardwork it takes for the relationships to stick even while apart. Hooray for texting/email/chatting/video chat, that's for sure!

Speaking of friends leaving, one of my dear dear friends got accepted into a Masters program over in Scotland. Needless to say, she's overjoyed but also a bit overwhelmed with the planning and figuring out finances. Hop over to her blog, read about her (she's a wonderful person!), and maybe donate a little bit, if you'd like, to help her fund her way to Scotland. The program is amazing, and she deserves it!

I was talking to a dear friend today about some frustrations I was having because Hubby was frustrated with his job, and I wasn't sure how to "fix it". She reminded me that sometimes I can't fix things, but that I can encourage and remind him of how much he is supporting me. Of how much he's taking care of me and how thankful I am of that, especially in a dysfunctional work environment (I'm being a bit polite here...). I thought about it, figured I had been doing that, and honestly didn't think too much of it until we were sitting in the car, waiting out our last five minutes of lunch break in the parking lot at work. He had leaned back his chair and was really worn out. So I went, "You know what, what the ---". I leaned over and whispered encouragement, support, and anything else I could think of to let him know how thankful I was for him, how he was supporting me, etc. It worked like a charm. It didn't fix everything, by any means, but I watched the stress drain from his face for a brief moment as I hugged him and felt him relax in my arms.

It reminded me that while he and I are both physical (touch is our love language, after all), we both need to reminded with words of how much we mean to each other. And I had been trying to show that through taking care of him, fixing dinner, helping him relax after work, etc (which is all good, and blesses him tremendously), but I hadn't out and out thanked him for taking care of me, supporting me. Sticking through it, so that I/we can have a good place to live, a good car to drive, and a home, together.

So take note. When your SO is feeling down and discouraged, sometimes all he needs is for you to snuggle up, hold them, and whisper, "Thank you for taking care of me. For supporting me. Even with all the hell it is, thank you."

That's my lesson learned for the day, at least. So many thanks to my friend for reminding me of it.

I was going to talk a bit about feeling frustrated with where I was again....but I realized I'm not, actually. Many of my friends are being incredibly blessed in fun unique ways, and I am sooo very happy for them. I had some things to work out, but for the most part, I am doing rather well right where I am. For that, I am thankful.

I need to do a book review on The Shack. I don't know what to make of the theology in it, nor did I pay enough attention to it, to be honest. So I should re-read it before I do any kind of review...however, after finishing it, I realized a few days later I was praying more and felt more at ease with God and able to talk to Him. My relationship shifted, of sorts. At any rate, it helped me through some struggles I was having with God, myself, because the author was struggling with similar things. I am thankful for that. And it opened up my eyes to a different perspective of God...I need to reread it, and think more on it. Overall, I'm thankful I did read it. And I'm thankful it helped.

And that's all I have for now. Life, while hard in some things, has been good in others. Which seems to be the case normally, whatever "normally" means.

Ta!

P.s. In other news, I became a semi-vegetarian (by that I mean I still occasionally eat meat, though cut eating it way back, learning how to balance meals with Hubby who still loves meat), am starting to work out with Hubby, lost 10 pounds, feel healthy, look healthy ("Hott" according to Hubby XD), and am overall feeling rather good about myself. I like eating mostly veggies and fruit. I just need to be better at getting all my protein, working on it.

We dance round in a ring and suppose but the secret sits in the middle and knows.

EDIT: As a friend pointed out, I changed the layout! I was tired of the old one and wanted something new and fun. Fits for spring, I think. Anywhoo. Continue reading.

****

So I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am sooo tired today. I went to bed early last night, too! Though, to be fair, I didn't sleep very restfully. Kept dreaming about vampires.

Which is from the fact that I had just finished Interview With A Vampire. Very intriguing Anne Rice book. I enjoyed it a lot, found it deliciously creepy (considering the last "vampire" book I had read was New Moon. Ick.). Though...I don't know if I'll read another one of hers, yet. I should probably read The Vampire Lestat to finish it out. I just don't know if I enjoyed her writing enough to read more. I mean, she has two and a half shelves at Borders. That is quite a lot of reading of hers.

However, a book I do want to get soon is called Sunshine. It's a pretty awesome story, also about vampires, but one of the most intriguing depiction of vampires I've read. My friend let me borrow it, saying it was amazing. Indeed it was. I tend to trust his opinion when it comes to books and read whatever he tells me to. Quite a power, that.

On the subject of books, I'm going to start reading The Shack on recommendation of another friend. I honestly don't know what I'll think. I tend to be incredibly wary of books by evangelicals, especially ones that were touted by everyone. She said it's really good, though, and I do trust her opinion. So we shall see.

Week's been rather slow. Work school eat sleep repeat, basically. Though starting tonight we're having friends over every night through Saturday. So that will be fun. Looking forward to hanging out and resting.

I've been having an interesting discussion in my head about some things. Do you ever realize that this one part of you is incredibly strong and the dominant part, but with that one certain person, it goes away and is completely fine with being submissive? Letting the other one get control? Yah. That. I'm trying to work that whole concept out in my own head. It's intriguing to me. I also just enjoy seeing what makes me and others tick, so to speak. It's definitely an interesting project. The thing I keep coming back to is Trust. Utter and complete Trust. (Yes, purposefully capitalized.) When you Trust someone that much, you're more than willing to not be in control. Intriguing.

So this blog is rather short today, mostly cause I don't have much to say. However, Hubby showed me a very interesting blogpost about "God's Will For Your Life", and I'm including a bit. If you want to read the whole thing, here it is. (And I'd definitely advise you do!)

***

This notion of GWFYL transforms the process of living into something like the fairy-tale path through the haunted forest -- the Mirkwood trail or the Yellow Brick Road. Except that those paths in those stories are always clearly marked, whereas the trail of GWFYL is invisible and inscrutable and can only be intuited by some visceral sense of spiritual leading.

The idea is a kind of spiritualized version of the romantic pipe-dream of The One -- and it tends to produce the same fearfully tentative, second-guessing approach to living. There's a bit of good advice in Conor Oberst's "First Day," in which he sings, "I'd rather be working for a paycheck / than waiting to win the lottery." But the notion of GWFYL or of waiting for The One turns that advice upside-down, viewing such practical work as a dangerous distraction from one's lottery-playing duties.

One reason I don't much care for this idea of GWFYL is that I've seen its effect on young evangelicals forced to shoulder its crushing burden. No one can live like that, governed by an ultimate-stakes gamble based on unwritten rules, offering no assurance other than that the potential for inadvertent-but-damning disobedience lurks in every decision.

Just as importantly, I don't care for the way this notion takes something explicitly clear and invariable -- the will of God -- and twists it into something mysterious, ever-changing and idiosyncratic.

What is God's Will For Your Life? the prophet asks, and then answers his own question, "To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." That's from the Bible -- a book that's rather repetitive and unambiguous on the question of GWFYL. On God's will for everyone's life, actually.

But somehow none of that ever enters into evangelical conversations of career and romantic prospects and GWFYL. Whatever it is supposed to mean, GWFYL doesn't seem to have much of anything to do with acting justly or loving mercy or breaking the chains of oppression or setting the captives free or feeding the hungry or comforting the sick or giving freely to those in need or planting gardens or ensuring that the city prospers or loving one's neighbor as oneself.

***

And that is all from me today. Perhaps this weekend shall provide some interesting blog posts. Perhaps not.

Wow...I'm going rather British today. No idea why. Ah well.

In fun news, I'm channeled gypsy for my outfit today. Hehe. Off to lunch, then finish work, class, coffee with a friend. Phew.

Alice in Wonderland

It is an amazing movie. I was hoping and knew it would be, but it beat out ALL of my expectations. The casting is perfect. The story has the same whimsical dark creepy feel of the original story but manages to be its own story too, along with throwing in little things from the book for all of us die-hard fans. (Though, I have only read it a couple times. I have friends who actually studied it for a final project....I'm tempted now. Hehe)

See it in 3D. It was one of the most amazing films in 3D. It also adds the whimsical and slightly creepiness to the watching of it, especially when things come flying at you or swooping at your head. I screamed a few times in the middle cause it was startling to have things come swooping at your head. Also did the whole duck and brush off dirt thing (again). I used to not like 3D very much because it wasn't being done well. Now, I am loving it. Though I do wish they weren't using it for every new Disney movie coming out. Ah well.

The entire movie was beautifully done. I can't stop thinking about the costumes. They were all so creative and fit the personality of the person/character they were supposed to be. My favorite had to be Alice, though, because hers is always changing as she grows or shrinks (because, logically, her clothes don't shrink with her. Thus lots of fun costume changing.)

This is one of those movies you need to watch a few times to be able to catch all the little details that Tim Burton does. There were so many fun little things from the book thrown in almost casually that you noticed and by the time you went, "Wait, was that...??" it was already gone. Which leaves you wondering. Which is what it's supposed to do!

One of the best things about this movie is the fact that as you watch, it always feels out of joint. Before you go, "Wait, wouldn't that be annoying...??" No. It's not. It's that feeling that the world is not quite right. Whether it's the talking animals, or the vivid colours that aren't supposed to be there, or even the burned down trees, there's this feeling of the world at an odd angle. That things aren't quite right. Which you definitely get when you read the book. I think the movie adds a bit more because things are even more so than in the book (but not saying anything else so as not to give away the movie plot!).

Overall, it was very well-done! I had so much fun standing in line with friends and loved ones, then watching it and seeing everything. Wanting to take in everything and see all of it.

There is this chilling scene where The Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp) is walking with Alice, and he quotes the Jabberwocky poem. It gave me chills as he quoted it because of where he was, why he was quoting it....it's just a chilling poem to hear said aloud.

Go see it! Seriously! You won't be disappointed!!

*~*~*~*~*

Jabberwocky

Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! and through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Now the Lady on the Grey, Leads us in the Macabray

I have, sadly, been neglecting this poor blog. Well, not neglecting per se. Just been incredibly busy lately. Also had some things I needed to work out and avoid using the blog outlet of ranting on and on about stuff I probably shouldn't so publicly.

*~*~*~*

So. I am back, now, and doing much better than I had been. In fact, I am doing incredibly better than I had been for a while.

I thought I had blogged about this subject before, but apparently I didn't. (Odd...oh. No, not quite. It's that whole not wanting to rant and rave about a subject thing. Ah.) Well then, a brief background before talking more: For the last few weeks (almost month, I suppose), I had been feeling very listless and restless in my life. I felt like I was just sitting while everyone else moved forward with their lives and had their plans and their lives were actually moving while mine was just stuck in a place I couldn't get out of. This led to many tears and frustrations and angry rants which Hubby (bless him) patiently listened to, held me, and offered advice. What it came down to was me trying to reconcile in my head on what exactly I ought to be doing and what I desperately wanted to be doing.

This came out in the form of career vs. being a mom. That's what I was struggling with, and that's what was making me frustrated and upset and restless. Because, on the one hand, my married friends (most) are now months into expecting their first baby (Hooray!! So happy for them!) while my single friends (most) are graduating and have their lives pretty well planned out for their career paths.

Now, I was trying to figure out (wrongly) which path I was supposed to be on. As if they couldn't be together and merge into each other eventually. Hubby gently called me out on it one night at dinner. He told me that I needed to figure out what exactly I wanted to do, and what I was called to do before we started having kids. Because if we start having kids in the next year or so, and I'm still in undergrad school, I probably won't want to go back to finish it up.

He, as usual, hit it right on the head. I for a while, had been struggling with wanting to figure out what I felt I was called to do vs. what I wanted to do, and thinking they couldn't go together etc etc etc. So I did what I always do in situations like that. I shoved it away so I wouldn't think about it and was just damned frustrated about it.

All that to say (wow, that was a long explanation!), I have thought and prayed and mused and wondered and talked about all the various possibilities. I had a very good conversation with a dear friend who helped clear some thoughts up in my own head. And, I have, for the most part, decided what I am going to be doing. As much as I can, obviously.

So. I am going to be getting a psych degree so that I may work with CSA victims as a therapist. It's going to be hard (a psych degree is far from easy). It's going to take time, lots of time. However, this is something I want, need, and am called to do. As much as being a mom is completely a part of my calling (and I cannot wait!!), it is not my only calling.

And that is what I had to reconcile in my own head. I had to look at good examples of moms with careers. I had to think about what I was passionate about. If I could be "just" a mom and not grow to regret later on, not finishing up my degree. Or feeling like I left something because I was too rushed to feel like I was doing something that I made a hasty decision that, while definitely good (kids are always good!), would probably have not been the best one for me (and Hubby) at the time.

So there we are. That's why I've been so absent lately, and that's why (if my friends are reading this), I've been a bit frustrated and confused lately. Well, not the only reason, but the reason I can write out, at least. The surprising bit is that all my stress has melted away. I guess not all that surprising. I'm just very much more relaxed, now that I have a goal of where to go and what to do. I'm sure I mentioned this sometime last year, but since then...I had been avoiding trying to figure out what I wanted to do. For all the many reasons listed above. It's nice to have that out of the way now. I can focus on what I need to focus on, and plan what I need to plan.

(And yes, since I know you are reading, we do have a plan for kids in the nearish future, but not immediate future. I need to finish my bachelor's. Hubby needs to get his career started. But sooner than later.)

On a very lighthearted and not as deep note, I am absolutely thrilled for my weekend plans! Thursday, Hubby and I are going to see Alice In Wonderland with a bunch of friends (yes, midnight showing. Yes, I'm going to need loads of coffee. But it's Alice In Wonderland. By Tim Burton. And have you seen the cast list?!). Then on Saturday, I have my cycling class in the morning (oh dear, I hope it's a nice ride and not a 45 mile one. Ick), and then...I'm going to Disneyland!! A friend is signing me in, and I'm going with her and another friend. Soooo excited! I haven't been since my 21st birthday (I know). And to make it even better, it's Deaf Awareness Day. So I get to practice my ASL with dear friends, at Disneyland. Amazing. ANd then depending on plans, I may or may not crash with them for the night. So. Weekend cannot get here fast enough.

And I need to cut this a bit short. I have a couple projects just landed in my lap and Hubby wants to head to lunch soonish. Ta!