Friday!

Friday! Huzzah! I'm so very glad it's the weekend. It's going to be an amazing packed fun time. Tonight Cody and Raf are coming up, tomorrow I'm getting my hair done while my hubby and friends go airsofting, then I'm being a bartender named Molly at a Murder Mystery with some good friends which should be a grand old time. Then Sunday we're going to the LA Zoo to hang out for a while, which I'm extremely excited about! I haven't been to the zoo in ages...last time I can think of is when I was helping out with some preschoolers and we took a field trip there..but I must have been only 14? Weird!

Last night I saw a highschool's production of A Midsummer's Night Dream. It was very good, and also made me long for theater. Sounds slightly odd since I was never much involved till I got to college, and then it just fell away. But watching those kids perform, and seeing the ones who were adorably nervous and the seniors who had been doing this for a while, just made me long for that community and that fun time. I might try out for a play, if I get the chance. We'll see. I'm already so incredibly busy, I'm not sure I would want to add yet another thing onto my plate. Maybe the summer...?

My new story is coming along well. It's forming in my mind and coming out on paper decently accurate. Hehe. I've been trying to get some feedback on what people think, and so far everyone's been enjoying it. I'm confusing some, apparently, but that's alright because they are kinda jumping straight into the story...more like if you were watching something through a window for a period of time. We'll see how it goes. I've been urged by a friend to try to publish it just for fun whenever it gets done. I might...

I feel slightly gypsy-ish today. I'm wearing a pretty full flowing skirt, a white shirt, and boots. I really want to go twirl. Hehe. I should have worn my hoop earrings! Ah well, such is life, I suppose.

So after this long, rambly post, I think I shall go...do something else. Not sure what, but I'll think of something. Possibly write on my story some more...or sort the mail. That might be a good idea.

Ta!

Story

So I'm working on a new story, and I tried to post it up on here, but something about it wasn't getting recognized...which makes me sad. I'm wondering if it was the font or something. I'll keep trying.

Anyway...yesterday was a decent day. Not too bad, kinda long. I broke down pretty hard last night over some stuff...I'm realizing those are becoming much more regular now. Guess that's a good thing. It's the kind of breakdown you have when you can't even pray besides sobbing, because you have no words to speak, to anyone, let alone God. Aaron's been getting more hopeful, I'm still struggling with the idea of God's goodness in the midst of a decaying horrible evil world. And frankly, I don't know how to reconcile things I know and God. I don't know if I will ever see the goodness of the Lord or have it revealed to me, and I'm wondering if I would even recognize it for what it was, if He did. I'm...well...I'm not doing anything. I'm waiting on God, albeit sometimes angrily. The Bible says, "Shall not the Judge of all the earth do what is just?"

I just don't know anymore...I guess I'm stubbornly holding on to something I can't see and am unsure of, but won't let go.

Monday...Ugh.

So...it's Monday. Bleh. It makes this week worst too, cause I had last Monday off (yay for Pres' Day!). When I restarted this, I meant to post pretty regularly, but real life caught up with me over the last couple of weeks, and I didn't have anything to write on. Well, I had a lot of stuff I could write on, but nothing I wanted to.

Nothing too exciting in the past couple of weeks. Valentine's Day was lovely. We went out to dinner Friday night, then saw The International (it wasn't very good, unfortunately). Then on Saturday, we relaxed, and went out to see Coraline 3D (thanks to some good friends who gave us some $ as a Valentine's Day gift). Then Sunday we just relaxed, found out I had Monday off...so it truly felt like an extended Valentine's weekend, which was lovely.

Last week wasn't as good, unfortunately. Aaron and I both weren't feeling good all week, which made us more irritable, but we were able to talk out some stuff, which was good. The weekend was very nice. Went down to LA and Hollywood on Saturday, relaxed on Sunday, saw Twilight that night at the dollar theater (my soul still hurts!!). I don't know how anyone actually likes that story...it's horribly written, the characters are either under-developed or way over the top, and any instance of an interesting sub-plot is effectively killed. Plus you should never make a movie assuming the people who are going to watch it have read the book. Foolish and prideful. Ahh...what I do in order to relate to my Jr Highers.

Now it's Monday. Whee...? Wish the weekend could have been longer. This week should be decent, though. The end of the week is going to be fun. Thursday Aaron and I get to go see A Midsummer's Night Dream, getting put on by one of the high schools around here. The girl doing the costumes is in our youth group, so it'll be fun. Then Saturday I'm getting my hair done and have a Murder Mystery to go to that night! Next weekend is Winter Camp (hooray!). Busy next couple of weeks.

You know what's bad at the moment? Being married and wanting a baby. Hehe. I know we can't yet, we should at least wait until Aaron graduates, but damn...the longing's there. Especially whenever I see a cute little one. Saw a little baby a couple weeks ago, and I went, "Aww...I want one!" Silly biological clock ticking. All in good and God's time, I know. Doesn't mean I can't want one now...but perhaps I should be careful what I wish for? God has a sense of humor...

I've been trying to get back into writing...and I was rereading some of the stories I had started/written, and sometimes I can hardly believe that was me writing...it feels like my muse took off and ran. Or my imagination died because I've seen too much of the decaying world...and it feels like anything I try to write will be depressive and dark. Which might not be such a bad thing...So far, I have no idea of any kind of story to work on. Most of the stuff I've been writing is poetry to help me work out emotions, issues, and pains I've been dealing with. I can't really do that with stories...here's hoping my muse comes back soon. It should, she always returns.

Well, back to work for me, I suppose. And it's only 9:30. Wow...this day is going to be incredibly long.

It's one of those days...

You know when you wake up and you just know it's going to be "one of those days"? Not necessarily bad, but still. I woke up like that this morning. Both my alarms went off, and I still manged to wake up ten minutes later than I meant to. Which meant I had to rush to get out the door because I needed to get bus money. Oh yes, that's right. I ran out of bus money yesterday (well, not ran out so much as needed more). I realized this fact at 1 AM when nothing is open. So I decided I would just go early. Set my alarms and went to bed with my hubby. Slept restless (we both woke up at 4 AM for some reason and couldn't fall back to sleep till later). Then, as I said before, woke up 10 minutes later than I meant even with my alarms going off. So rushed, got bus money, made it to the bus in time, and all that. But it feels like just one of those days. It was so cold this morning when I was out walking to my stop, freezing in my office building. I'm just now starting to get warm, and wistfully thinking of the warm covers and body I left at home this morning.

I suppose I shouldn't be complaining as much...I have a steady job in a recession, I have a husband who loves me and takes care of me, a roof over my head, food on the table, etc...

...except that I'm not at peace. I'm just so tired and worn out from everything. I feel like "butter scraped over too much bread". It feels like I keep giving and giving, putting out so much of my emotions and energy, but what's getting returned is only 1/4 of what I gave out...but somehow I'm supposed to keep doing the same amount, on less. I'm struggling with my faith, and have so many doubts. I don't know where to turn...God feels so very distant and sometimes not even there.

sigh.

I just wish there weren't so many questions and so few answers...

I miss them terribly.

Weariness

Yesterday was a bad day. And not for any particular reason. I can't point exactly and say, "Yep. That's when my day started going downhill." It was just bad. Little things bugged, big things bugged, everything was just awful, really. Now, there were several things that made the day hugely better (lunch, etc). And on top of work, I had to go to a 3hr class that I hadn't gotten the coursepacket for yet, so I had nothing to take notes with. Now, the prof let us out an hour early (yay!), and Aaron took me for ice-cream afterwards, but...I don't know. The overall tone for the day was just bad, awful, wearying.

To top it all off, I've been sleeping restlessly at night, because I don't want to sleep deeply, cause then I'll dream, but if I don't sleep, I get so worn out, I fall asleep. It's like a horrible cycle that never stops and never fixes itself. And the problem isn't that they are nightmares. That is the problem: they aren't. They're "just dreams"...of stuff I don't know what to do with. There's nothing I can do about it, and I don't know what...how I'm supposed to react, be feeling, or dealing. I just don't know.

I'm also struggling with my faith in God right now. Not that I'll leave the faith or something...I just don't know how to reconcile my faith with what I know. How could a loving God allow stuff like that to happen? Is it our place to question? Even Job questioned, but then he stayed faithful and trusted God. Is that the answer? There's a certain point when you just have to trust that God is in control? Faith and Reason go together, but how? Right and wrong, principles, laws...freedom. That age-old question, right? Why does God let bad things happen? How do you trust God in the midst of hell? How do you trust when you're out but others aren't? What do you do when everything is screaming in all directions?

What...

...I don't know anymore...

Sleepless Nights

I went to bed at 5 this morning, and didn't fall asleep till 6:15. I was up by 7. I have work till 5 tonight, and class till 9pm. So that's a 14-15 hour day, on 45 minutes of sleep. Me on no sleep can be one of two things. Either, I'll be extremely entertaining and make no sense, or I'll be in a horrid mood all day...it's up in the air at the moment.

My dreams are coming back...and they're not bad dreams, just dreams about life and past things. Problem being, it makes for extremely restless sleep. I don't want to be dreaming about reality. I want reality to stay where it's supposed to be, and dreams...well...to be normal, weird, like they're supposed to be.

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you just did one thing differently? Said yes instead of no. Went one way instead of the other. It's a bit of a crazy thing to think on. I can picture several ways my life could have gone...I am very glad and joyful it went the way it did.

I've been changing my views on hope as well as other things I'm not going to go into. I don't believe hope is that happy feeling that everything will work out in the end. I think it's stubbornness and despair, to be honest. That you will keep going, no matter what, trudging on and on, hoping that one day, dawn will come. But until then, you march, trudge, along in the dark, fighting off all manner of evils, given no rest, hoping a deep stubborn hope that light will come again. You hope, even though deep down, you don't think it will. Why do you continue on then? Because, dawn will come. And you'd rather die fighting and waiting for it, than just lay down and admit defeat, and die there.

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up."
~Anne Lamott~

I have decided that I shall write a book, someday, on my life. Or perhaps that is too arrogant? I don't know. I want to write out my story eventually and hopefully use it to help others. We shall see how that works out. I also want to open up a bookstore/coffeeshop/bakery. Perhaps all shall work out....