Weariness

Yesterday was a bad day. And not for any particular reason. I can't point exactly and say, "Yep. That's when my day started going downhill." It was just bad. Little things bugged, big things bugged, everything was just awful, really. Now, there were several things that made the day hugely better (lunch, etc). And on top of work, I had to go to a 3hr class that I hadn't gotten the coursepacket for yet, so I had nothing to take notes with. Now, the prof let us out an hour early (yay!), and Aaron took me for ice-cream afterwards, but...I don't know. The overall tone for the day was just bad, awful, wearying.

To top it all off, I've been sleeping restlessly at night, because I don't want to sleep deeply, cause then I'll dream, but if I don't sleep, I get so worn out, I fall asleep. It's like a horrible cycle that never stops and never fixes itself. And the problem isn't that they are nightmares. That is the problem: they aren't. They're "just dreams"...of stuff I don't know what to do with. There's nothing I can do about it, and I don't know what...how I'm supposed to react, be feeling, or dealing. I just don't know.

I'm also struggling with my faith in God right now. Not that I'll leave the faith or something...I just don't know how to reconcile my faith with what I know. How could a loving God allow stuff like that to happen? Is it our place to question? Even Job questioned, but then he stayed faithful and trusted God. Is that the answer? There's a certain point when you just have to trust that God is in control? Faith and Reason go together, but how? Right and wrong, principles, laws...freedom. That age-old question, right? Why does God let bad things happen? How do you trust God in the midst of hell? How do you trust when you're out but others aren't? What do you do when everything is screaming in all directions?

What...

...I don't know anymore...