Now the Lady on the Grey, Leads us in the Macabray

I have, sadly, been neglecting this poor blog. Well, not neglecting per se. Just been incredibly busy lately. Also had some things I needed to work out and avoid using the blog outlet of ranting on and on about stuff I probably shouldn't so publicly.

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So. I am back, now, and doing much better than I had been. In fact, I am doing incredibly better than I had been for a while.

I thought I had blogged about this subject before, but apparently I didn't. (Odd...oh. No, not quite. It's that whole not wanting to rant and rave about a subject thing. Ah.) Well then, a brief background before talking more: For the last few weeks (almost month, I suppose), I had been feeling very listless and restless in my life. I felt like I was just sitting while everyone else moved forward with their lives and had their plans and their lives were actually moving while mine was just stuck in a place I couldn't get out of. This led to many tears and frustrations and angry rants which Hubby (bless him) patiently listened to, held me, and offered advice. What it came down to was me trying to reconcile in my head on what exactly I ought to be doing and what I desperately wanted to be doing.

This came out in the form of career vs. being a mom. That's what I was struggling with, and that's what was making me frustrated and upset and restless. Because, on the one hand, my married friends (most) are now months into expecting their first baby (Hooray!! So happy for them!) while my single friends (most) are graduating and have their lives pretty well planned out for their career paths.

Now, I was trying to figure out (wrongly) which path I was supposed to be on. As if they couldn't be together and merge into each other eventually. Hubby gently called me out on it one night at dinner. He told me that I needed to figure out what exactly I wanted to do, and what I was called to do before we started having kids. Because if we start having kids in the next year or so, and I'm still in undergrad school, I probably won't want to go back to finish it up.

He, as usual, hit it right on the head. I for a while, had been struggling with wanting to figure out what I felt I was called to do vs. what I wanted to do, and thinking they couldn't go together etc etc etc. So I did what I always do in situations like that. I shoved it away so I wouldn't think about it and was just damned frustrated about it.

All that to say (wow, that was a long explanation!), I have thought and prayed and mused and wondered and talked about all the various possibilities. I had a very good conversation with a dear friend who helped clear some thoughts up in my own head. And, I have, for the most part, decided what I am going to be doing. As much as I can, obviously.

So. I am going to be getting a psych degree so that I may work with CSA victims as a therapist. It's going to be hard (a psych degree is far from easy). It's going to take time, lots of time. However, this is something I want, need, and am called to do. As much as being a mom is completely a part of my calling (and I cannot wait!!), it is not my only calling.

And that is what I had to reconcile in my own head. I had to look at good examples of moms with careers. I had to think about what I was passionate about. If I could be "just" a mom and not grow to regret later on, not finishing up my degree. Or feeling like I left something because I was too rushed to feel like I was doing something that I made a hasty decision that, while definitely good (kids are always good!), would probably have not been the best one for me (and Hubby) at the time.

So there we are. That's why I've been so absent lately, and that's why (if my friends are reading this), I've been a bit frustrated and confused lately. Well, not the only reason, but the reason I can write out, at least. The surprising bit is that all my stress has melted away. I guess not all that surprising. I'm just very much more relaxed, now that I have a goal of where to go and what to do. I'm sure I mentioned this sometime last year, but since then...I had been avoiding trying to figure out what I wanted to do. For all the many reasons listed above. It's nice to have that out of the way now. I can focus on what I need to focus on, and plan what I need to plan.

(And yes, since I know you are reading, we do have a plan for kids in the nearish future, but not immediate future. I need to finish my bachelor's. Hubby needs to get his career started. But sooner than later.)

On a very lighthearted and not as deep note, I am absolutely thrilled for my weekend plans! Thursday, Hubby and I are going to see Alice In Wonderland with a bunch of friends (yes, midnight showing. Yes, I'm going to need loads of coffee. But it's Alice In Wonderland. By Tim Burton. And have you seen the cast list?!). Then on Saturday, I have my cycling class in the morning (oh dear, I hope it's a nice ride and not a 45 mile one. Ick), and then...I'm going to Disneyland!! A friend is signing me in, and I'm going with her and another friend. Soooo excited! I haven't been since my 21st birthday (I know). And to make it even better, it's Deaf Awareness Day. So I get to practice my ASL with dear friends, at Disneyland. Amazing. ANd then depending on plans, I may or may not crash with them for the night. So. Weekend cannot get here fast enough.

And I need to cut this a bit short. I have a couple projects just landed in my lap and Hubby wants to head to lunch soonish. Ta!