Smiling

Molly is smiling. And it's the cutest thing I have ever seen. She scrunches up her nose and her eyes sparkle and you can just tell she is completely and utterly happy.

This face makes up for the rather horrid week I've been having. And seems to make everything better.

In which I am Brutally Honest

Ok. This is going to be a Brutally Honest Post. 


I am dealing with Postpartum Depression (Or PPD as I will call it on here). I talked to my doctor about it, and he said it was normal (1 out of 8 women get it), but to call if I started feeling anything more than I am now. 


I noticed it at first when Molly went through a cluster-feeding stage. I was in tears late one night after she was trying to nurse and was super fussy and angry to the point of having issues latching. I started feeling resentful towards her for...some reason (I still can't put words to the feeling I had); and immediately went "That's not a good thing." 


So I made the decision to supplement with formula as well as start pumping more so we could feed her with bottles. After making that decision and putting it into practice, I noticed my bonding with Molly and everything else got much better. 


I now have a good supply of BM in the freezer, pump easily, and otherwise bond with Molly well, without the pressure of having to nurse her. And more importantly, I don't feel resentful or anything else towards my daughter. That is the most important thing. 


I still have "the blues" as they're called. I've cried for no reason. I get overwhelmed by everything or nothing. There are times when Molly is wailing and I'm doing everything I can to help and she isn't having any of it that I feel like I can't do this. BUT. I'm doing my best to try to ask for help more from Hubby  who has been utterly supportive in all of this. I'm bad at asking help from friends or family, so consider this an open invite to text and see if I need anything. I'll do my best to also ask. 



It's frustrating and annoying. But, it's good to put a name to what I've been feeling. I've talked with a couple other friends who have had it/are dealing with it; and it's good to not feel alone in all of this. They also  have given me good tips to help deal with it.


I also know because it is PPD, it's mostly chemicals and should start goign away in the next couple of months. I'm on birth control as well which will regulate my hormones and thus also help with my PPD.  


And throughout all of it, I am so very happy and overjoyed by my babygirl. The way she completely curls up on me and sleeps deeply in peace and safety melts my heart. The way she just stares and stares into my eyes. Her smile (!!!!) when I tickle her cheeks. The way she squints up her face when she sneezes, or her annoyed face as she hiccups uncontrollably. 


Everything about her melts my heart and overwhelms me with love for her. 


Even when I'm feeling most down with my PPD, she can curl up on me and fall asleep; and it makes the world brighter and better. 

Musings

Having a baby keeps you a busy person, I've discovered, even if you aren't really doing much. When a good chunk of your time is spent planning around nursing and waiting for a nap so you can get things done, keeping up on a blog isn't high on your list.

That being said, what's been happening. I had my very first Mother's Day! It was very lovely and relaxing. I got beautiful and cute cards from lots of people. Hubby got me lunch and made me dinner! Molly was very calm and peaceful that day. And Hubby and I spent most of the day relaxing with each other and watching BBC's Sherlock. It was quite nice.

I'm slowly but surely getting the hang of doing things around the house while Molly is sleeping or just sitting in her bouncer. Things have gotten a lot easier since I got a ringsling. She loves it and falls asleep in it pretty much instantaneously and it allows me to have hands free to do things! I've gottne laundry done, actually made dinner, and done the dishes!

Molly went from not being too active last week (mostly just ate and slept, and didn't stay awake for very long) to this week become VERY active! She stays awake a lot longer (whole stretches of time vs just a couple of minutes), locks eyes with you or on other things. She almost smiles (won't be long now!), and has been holding her head up steadier and longer as the days go by. She is six weeks tomorrow (wow!) and is quite the little baby. She also had her first explosive diaper yesterday (joy) and then decided to spit up all over my shirt about 10 minutes after that. I will say this, she already has quite the personality and is already stubborn! Uh oh.

She also slept in 4 hour stretches last night and only woke up 2x to eat. That makes me very happy. I actually feel rested for once! And woke up rested. Hooray!

I have my 6 week checkup on Monday! I am very excited to get it over and done with and have everything be fine, and I can get back to my normal life. I can't wait to go hottubbing! And lots of other things. I can hardly believe this adventure called pregnancy is over with. Until the next time. Weird.

Life overall has been going well. Summer is almost  here (well feels like it already is), and I can't believe that my maternity leave is half over. Time is flying by.

One Month Old!

Hello Little Frog,

You are one month old today! How that happened, I will never know. The time is flying by. Seems like just yesterday I was getting ready for you to be born, and not expecting to meet you so soon!

It's amazing to me to see how much you've changed in just four and some days short weeks. You've gained two pounds, grown a quarter (if not more) of an inch. You've also slowly but surely started outgrowing your onesies! You've gone from sleeping for most of the day to being awake and aware and looking around. Your eyes are so big and beautiful! Cannot wait to see what color they end up. Right now, they're blueish-green, and when you are staring at something, take up almost all of your face!

I love holding you and talking to you, cause you'll stare up at me, and I can just tell by the way you're looking and concentrating you are trying to figure out what's going on and what I am saying. You're also incredibly strong already! Holding your head up for several seconds and staring around. You've become chatty! Well, kind of. You definitely are not quiet anymore. You make so much noise and grunts, it's becoming easy to tell what your moods are by your chatter.

So many people adore you, and it's fun seeing you meet new people. You also are a sneaky little girl already and if I'm not watching too carefully, you start to roll over! Or scoot away.

There are times when I'm holding you that you look up at me and there is the glimpse of a smile that will soon be yours. Also a giggle. I cannot wait to see you smile. And hear your giggles and full-blown laughter. I think your Daddy will be very good at getting you to giggle all the time.

It's amazing to see you go from this:

That hat fits you now, by the way. And that sleeper is now just about too small! 

To this:

So Happy One Month Birthday, Darling Girl! We love you soo much! Cannot wait to see what this next month has in store!

The Road goes ever on and on....

Random thoughts and musings on this Wednesday Thursday afternoon. 


I just got off the phone with the disability company (EDD), and everything is all set up and ready to go. They mailed out the debit card (not doing checks anymore, apparently!) hopefully yesterday, so I should get it tomorrow or latest, Monday. That will be nice. I'll also get the form for the Paid Family Leave after May 20th. It's great that everything has gone through and is working out. Such a huge stress relief for us. 


Molly is doing amazing. She's growing and much more wide-awake now, when she is awake. The other day, she totally looked me in the eyes when I was saying her name for several seconds! And kept doing it! Speaking of, she has the biggest eyes ever. When they're open, they seem to take up almost all of her face. It's rather adorable, imo. She also has started sleeping in her rocker/crib/thing we got for her! That is nice for Hubby and I, cause we can actually sleep at night now instead of holding her and sleeping very lightly because of it. I think her napping in her bouncer made her relax and fall asleep fine in the rocker. Just a guess though. Whatever the reason, it's nice to be able to put her in that. 


I've been doing some pumping to try to get started. It's going...alright. Not the easiest thing in the world, mostly because of trying to find time to pump. Getting the hang of it though. I don't have to go back to work till July, so I figure I have time to figure it all out and get a stock-pile. Or at least, attempt to. 


I'm adjusting to being at home. Getting a bit stir-crazy from the lack of options of places to go. But that's mostly cause I don't like having to plan to have the car. Which involves getting up, getting us all packed, drop Hubby off at work, do errands, come home, pakc up again, go pick Hubby up. I'm fine doing that for things like doctor's appointments or grocery shopping, but seems a bit needless when I want to go grab Starbucks or something. Which then makes me wish where we lived was nearer shopping centers so Molly and I could go walk there and have a nice outing.  Oh well. Learning to adjust and balance it all out! On the bright side, it's nice being at home and relaxing and not having to go into work. I do not miss that in the slightest (yet). 


Oh! Molly is getting herself on a schedule, which makes it nice for me and I can actually get things done! She has gone from sleeping an hour and a half to two hours to consistently sleeping closer to three,,  three and a half hours! Enables me to get chores done around the house, catch up the budget, mess around online, go grocery shopping (if I need to with her), etc. She is eating a lot and gaining weight! I weighed myself, then with her, and it's about a 9lb difference now. I can hardly believe she's almost a month old! Time sure is flying by. Wow. 


May 21st I have my checkup with my OB. Hopefully everything is fine (should be, I haven't noticed any problems), get on my birth control that I can take while breastfeeding, and be all back to normal! 


Speaking of sleeping baby, I need to get going. She's starting to wake up and make her hungry noise/face. But first, a couple pictures!


This was from going out to Benihana for Hubby's Birthday this past Monday! We got our nanny to babysit for us, and had a lovely night out. It was rather nice to be able to get dressed up and go on a date with my Hubby. Food was amazing, as always!

And this I took yesterday in between nursing. I call it her "WTF" face. It makes me laugh everytime she makes it. Hehe!